HEARTFELT DOLLS: AESTHETIC MEDITATION

I believe passionately in the transformative and healing power of doll-making,
which is process focused.
Re-reading Shaun McNiff's "Art Heals".
I connected at a profound level with his statement

"Aesthetic meditation,
which reinforces that everything we do with art and healing
will always be based on the simple process of looking at creative expressions
and reflecting upon them...
These meditations are often permeated
by the experience of beauty."

So I decided to revisit some of my Heartfelt dolls -
rescue them from the boxes and suitcases where they languish,
and spend time with them -
listening, reflecting, contemplating.

I will open myself to mystery;
to the unexpected;
to my unique self.

It will create a sacred space,
be a holy pause.

Dear 'Just Checkin'.
She suffered from being yanked from her stand
by adolescent girls during an exhibition in 2007.
But that endears her to me.
Damaged, hurt, scarred,
she continues to integrate art and life.

I love her imperfections -
the felt made and then discarded by my daughter,
dimpled, torn,
too thin in some places, too thick in others,
with bits and pieces caught into its fibres.

I appreciate her quiet attentiveness -
to the every day activity of showering;
to her wellness and well-being.

She invites me to love myself -
to nurture and cherish my one, precious life.

JUST CHECKIN'. PHOTO BY NATASCHA HARTZUIKER

Shaun writes,

"Distance from the original act of creation
enriches the reflective process
by opening me to ideas and influences
other than my immediate motivation for making the picture."

I have chosen dolls which were made for a specific purpose
- cancer awareness, healing, prayer -
to hear what they are saying now.
I believe this aesthetic meditation will be
a healing and transformative experience.

HAIR TODAY

Simple.
Unadorned.
Crude stitching.
Few accessories.
Yet she speaks volumes of despair and of hope;
of courage and of change.

"Hair Today" was constructed from an old dress.
After a photo published in The Daily Post,
visitors expected a life-size form.
But here she was - a living paradox:
small but powerful;
battered but tenacious;
unadorned but beautiful.

So where does beauty come from?
How do I let my interior beauty shine through?

"Aesthetic experience has a powerful effect on us,
but we tend to go through life without being fully aware
of its place within our lives.
We don't generally give much attention to the healing and soothing aspects
of aesthetic contemplation
even though we might experience these beneficial qualities on a daily basis."
Shaun McNiff, "Art Heals" p 61

I hope to allow myself time off to pause and reflect;
not to dismiss the activity as being non-productive.
I hope that by responding to the invitation
to reflect on my dolls,
that there will be a flow-on effect
that will encourage me to pause and be attentive to my surroundings.
Perhaps stand and laugh with the flirting piwakawaka as I hang out the washing.
Or pause and appreciate the carpet of magnolia petals the tree has laid down for me.
Or drink in the intoxicating scent of freshly-cut freesias.

Pure unadulterated grief.
Loss.
Desolation.
Naked - stripped of all.
Collapsed. Distorted.
Vulnerable.

When I gaze upon "Lamentation",
I know that pain and grief are transient.
The journey through pain and grief is a paradox -
while the pain and grief are ours alone,
there are others who make a similar journey,
and we are all strengthened by those who accompany us.
Lamentation's posture is almost foetal
but there is hope and promise in the raised head.

Joy is the daughter of pain and grief.

LAMENTATION

"To receive the benefits of aesthetic contemplation
it is necessary to take the time to look attentively
and to gaze with heightened visual awareness.
This can be challenging to do on a regular basis.
Aesthetic contemplation, l
ike sitting meditation,
is a discipline that is enhanced through regular practice."
Shaun McNiff "Art Heals', p.57

Each day, I hope to look attentively upon one of my Heartfelt dolls.
I may stand them on a table,
or place them beside my bed,
or set a doll as my desktop background.

SIRISHA

I am drawn into Sirisha's mesmerising sense of self;
her demeanour;
she seems so comfortable in her own skin.

Even though she performing a humble chore
- collecting firewood -
she does so with dignity and a grateful heart.

Her clothes are worn, recycled, upcycled.
Yet her posture and her outlook
transform her humble attire.

She obviously belongs to a community
which demand head covering for women.
Rather than being cowered or submissive,
she celebrates and participates in her community.

How does my sense of belonging and identity
contribute to my sense of well-being?

"Every painting generates wellsprings of possibilities for reflection,
with each of us establishing our unique personal relationship
through the process of contemplation.
All we need to do is look with sustained attention
and open to the feelings and responses that emerge."

 I am very attached to my Heartfelt dolls.
Sometimes it is difficult for me to let them go;
to allow them a new home;
or a new story.
Stories do change over time.
The oral tradition is fluid and organic -
and this adds to its richness
and its ability to empower and encourage and enable us
to find our true voice, and
to become fully human.

I am hoping that aesthetic meditation will allow me
to integrate my new interactions with the dolls into my life;
to hear what the dolls are whispering to me now;
and not to remain stalled in the past.

Is she a doll?
Winter was created from a pattern by
Noreen Crone-Findlay in 'Soul Mate Dolls'.
Although constructed from card, fabric, plastic and glass,
she has a head and a face, and outstretched arms -
an embrace, a welcome,
and she embodies a story.

She invites me to reflect on winter;
to celebrate the seasons;
to reflect on the cyclical nature of life.
How do I honour the fallow times in my life?

WINTER WITH A POEM BY MACRINA WIEDERKEHR

"I often encourage people to begin relating to their images
through visual reflection and mindful breathing",
writes Shaun McNiff in Art Heals, p.106.

"Breathe the image in and breathe it out.
Look at the different qualities of the image,
then focus on something particular that attracts your attention;
take its expression into your body through your breath,
and let it go with your breath."

GREENING: A LENTEN JOURNEY

For me, these five dolls are one.
They reveal the fullness of me,
the transformation which happens again and again.
Greening is a visual, tactile snapshot
of movement,
of hope.

I am drawn in.
I am drenched with optimism.
I am awash in hope.

I become acutely aware of life as a process;
of beauty as a unique and personal thing;
that human beings are inherently beautiful -
a reflection of the divine.

I love the big green hand seat the dolls live on.
It is a gentle reminder that I am not alone -
known, loved, held.

"The simple process of looking
is the most innate way of responding to art",

says Shaun McNiff. He continues

"Sit down with your art
and take time to contemplate its visual qualities.
Take these expressions inside yourself.
The pictures carry energies, creative spirits,
and vitality which they will give to you freely.
Open yourself to them
and let them soothe your emotions
and activate your passions."

Sometimes it is very difficult to receive -
to accept with a grateful heart the generosity of those we encounter;
to allow the animate and the inanimate to minister to us,
to tend to us, to caress our souls,
to rejuvenate our drooping spirit.

I am reminded of the lyrics of The Servant Song ...

"Brother, sister, let me serve you.
Let me be as Christ to you.
Pray that I might have the grace
To let you be my servant, too."

May we all have the grace today to allow art
to nourish and nurture and enliven us.

Hot Flash!
I always smile as I pass her on the shelf.
Brassy. Courageous.
Comfortable in her own skin.
Celebrating the passing of time and the stages of her life.

She issues an invitation -
to join in the dance of life and not be a wall-flower.
She dares me to strip away all that is unnecessary
or expected by convention and tradition
and become all I am called to be.

I LOVE the red -
impulsive, persuasive, daring -
the colour of energy, passion and action.

Hot Flash was made from a pattern
designed by Pamela Hastings.

HOT FLASH!

EMOTIONS: MY RESPONSE TO A GROUP CHALLENGE

I'd like to talk with this doll.
She started out like this ...
and I deconstructed her.

"You are torn, broken, bound, exposed, vulnerable.
But I still love you.
I see your wounded-ness
but I also see what you have become.
I love the way you have integrated
the things which bind you -
they are not hidden but you wear them as a beacon of hope,
as a statement of intent.
You are a signpost for me.
You express triumph over adversity.
I would like to embrace you,
hold you close to my heart,
absorb your inner strength,
feel the grace and blessings you send out."

"Art as a spiritual discipline
entails paying attention to images
and opening ourselves to their unique expressions
rather than trying to fix the problems we think they represent.
The unsettling image is an ally of the soul
that helps me re-frame how I am looking at life and living it."
Shaun McNiff Art Heals p.103

Buffy is one of my Selfies - a textile self-portrait.
I feel uncomfortable looking at her,
even though I love her shape and colour.
I am claustrophobic so I feel the fear and discomfort
rising in my throat and churning my stomach.
All I want to do is open the case and liberate this beautiful silken effigy.

So I do.

I stroke her silken body
and trace my fingers around her beaded head.
I rest her on my cheek -
soft, malleable, vulnerable.
I place her on my heart
and tell her I love her.

Whose is the hand holding the plastic case?
Perhaps it is my hand -
keeping me trapped in a past full of trauma and fear.

Perhaps it is the hand of the divine -
holding me close, keeping me safe,
ignoring all my protestations of unworthiness,
loving me into becoming all that I can be.

BUFFY - A SELF-PORTRAIT

"Throughout history", writes Shaun McNiff in "Art Heals", p. 232
"well-being has been linked to the ability to use adversity
as material for creation.
As Nietzsche wrote,
'Unless I can discover the alchemical trick of turning this muck into gold,
I am lost.'
Art is alchemy.
It makes one thing from something else.
it takes the worst experiences
and turns them into life-enhancing expressions."

Over and over again,
I have experienced the alchemy of doll-making.
Taking discarded materials and an aching soul;
stitching and manipulating and reflecting;
until the 'muck has turned into gold.'

BULLYING CAUSES ME TO WITHDRAW

This doll fits in the palm of my hand.

She wants to be held, caressed, comforted.
I wonder what it will take for her to stretch out
and become the fullness of herself.

I want to post love notes -
words of encouragement and empowerment -
and rose petals
between the concertina folds,
so as she begins to unfold,
she will be standing on a scented carpet
of love and support.

Until then,
I rest her on my breast
and provide a safe haven.

In his you tube clip, "Under Squam Rock", Shaun McNiff says,

"All responses to this place are mediated by imagination."

So true.
This applies not only to a place,
 but to all our representations of what we see and hear and experience and remember,
whether it be in words or paint or clay or fabric.
Imagination does not invalidate a memory.
Instead, it enriches it and empowers it to convey an intimate association.
Imagination stimulates and integrates and empowers
both the creator and the viewer.

"And so I stitched myself in Eve"

I always feel grounded when I hold this doll.
Her earthy colour reminds me that
I am a very small, finite organism
in a diverse, dynamic environment.

Her nudity reminds me that I am vulnerable.
I need the community around me
to provide a safe haven.

The image stitched on her abdomen
calls to mind all those women who have gone before me:
whose lives have shaped mine.
I feel empowered because I stand on their shoulders -
their legacy enables me;
the communion of saints to which they belong
continues to nurture and encourage me
to become all that I was created to be.

"So I stitched myself in Eve,
being born of her difference,
thus extending myself beyond what I am.
And I try always to ask of every soul
who enters my life,
'Bring me your diversity
and let me learn through your eyes
to see the world as you can see it.'"
elinor peace bailey

A few years later ...

Today marks 10 years since my life changed dramatically.
I became a solo parent,
highly stressed,
deeply impoverished financially,
struggling with a legal system I did not understand.
Some of that has not changed
but I wanted to reflect on the positive transition, the transformation, to the person I am today:
creative, meditative, open to possibility and hope.

I have chosen 10 dolls that I feel a strong connection with
and will spend time in what Shaun McNiff calls the “simple process of looking”.
A pilgrimage of healing and transformation;
of acknowledgement and acceptance;
of embracing and letting go.

RECLAIM


How we struggled to bring you into being!
I wanted to reclaim my identity by using my birth certificate.
I could not work out how to print it
onto something pliable enough to shape into a figure.
In desperation I cut a piece of calico into an A4 size,
stuck it in the printer and pushed print.
And out it came.
And you are proof of that serendipitous moment.
I love your gold cloak.
I, too, am covered in riches.
I am known.
I am loved.

You are witness to my new identity,
my true identity,
reclaimed.
Thank you.

FREE MY CAGED HEART

My forgotten birthday.
A sign of how I had forgotten to live
fully, consciously,
with joy and gratitude.
As I made you,
each bar represented something I felt imprisoned me.
Even the fabric, recycled flannelette pyjamas,
suggest a retreat into a foetal, slumbering world view.

But you never felt that way, did you?
You knew the bars were flexible, removable.
Your hands invited me to move them apart
every time I passed you in the hall.
And your patience won through.
Thank you for helping me keep my eyes on my heart.

SHOVELLING SNOW

Trapped in a smile!
Is there a better place to be?
It took me a long, long time to smile after my divorce.
But now it is my default emotion:-)
Rainer Marie Rilke wrote,
“Let everything happen to you: beauty and terror.
Just keep going.
No feeling is final.”.
I now see he was so right.
I love walking through each day with a smile-
at strangers, drivers sitting in traffic jams,
people serving me in stores,
at photographs and poetry and movies,
to myself.
I love the soft worn-ness of this smile
cut from an old duvet cover.
It speaks of love and comfort and rest.

CAREGIVERS

Are you a guardian angel?
Can you ease the burden of caring for a loved one?
I am tired.
I am unravelling.
At times, I am unbalanced.
Look down and see!!!!!

Yet you are made from the same cloth as those below,
knitted from the same skein of yarn.
Are you the embodiment of my prayers,
divine love revealed in human form:
in each and every person who enables and empowers me;
who holds me in prayer?

SEDUCED BY THE WILD: SIGYN AND ZIVA

How I love your green softness.
I just want to snuggle my face deep into it!

It is with a tinge of regret that I see your mutual love;
your deep and abiding trust in each other;
your delight in the companionship of the other.
It is not something that I have experienced.
But now I smile when I see this mutuality and reciprocity
in other relationships.
Thank you for opening my eyes and my heart
to embrace their joy.

I FEEL IT IN MY TOES


A friend asked where I felt joy.
I said I felt it in my toes.
I wanted to dance!
So I made you.


I ask myself where I feel joy now.
It certainly is not as exuberant.
Joyce Rupp wrote of “the dance in my soul,”
and this resonates deeply.
I would say it is in my heart space –
the space I create when I pause, soften and open
to whatever is happening or visiting me at the time.
It is an invitational space,
just as the table linen your skirt is sewn
from was welcoming and generous.
Heartfelt gratitude flows from me to you,
and to the generations of women
who have stitched and offered hospitality.

AGEISM

I love you and I hate you.
You remind me that I am finite.
I hate that my body doesn't always co-operate
with what I ask of it.
I hate that I am judged negatively because of my grey hair.

Your down-turned mouth touches a raw nerve:-(
I am forever being told to smile.
I have a naturally downward shaped mouth and may look unhappy. Usually I am quite content.

But oh!
The freedom that ageing brings:
wisdom, patience, courage, openness, generosity of spirit.

RUHEE AND GEMINA


Sitting with you,
I am filled with questions.
Unanswerable most of them.
Now, I am content with a question held honestly and openly.
You envelop me in the mystery of life and death and divine love.

Simultaneously, I see heart ache and heart's ease.

You remind me that there are thin places
where heaven and earth meet.
Help me to recognise these sacred portals;
to pause and be attentive;
to feel the loving kindness of the communion of saints,
living and dead.

SOUL SISTER

I am a wall flower.
So I have no idea where your absolute,
over-the-top attitude comes from.

Red nail polish on your toes!
Red lip stick that would outshine Rudolph's nose!
And your hair.
No neat and tidy cut here!
I smile whenever I see you.
You are a clarion call to my soul to be the best I can be.

I have a soft spot for strip piecing.
Cloth,
torn and cut into random size pieces,
reassembled to create something new;
something different;
something beautiful
A meaningful metaphor for my life's journey.

SILAS AND GRACE


The beginning of something much bigger than yourselves.
You embody commitment:
to yourselves;
to each other;
to your family;
to your nation;
to your god.

You reveal honesty;
integrity;
a strong work ethic;
a passion for social justice; and resilience.

You demonstrate that simplicity is powerful,
enduring,
triumphant.

Sometimes I feel how small I am in the big scheme of things.
I need to remember that I have sown seeds
which may not bear fruit in my life-time
but will impact on future generations.

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