Something beautiful.
Something good.
I took a pretty little doll and wrapped her in torn fabric,
broken zips, mismatched buttons,
loose threads and random stitching.
How do I reveal the beautiful essence
which has been covered in the dross of unemployment?

I feel I am in a straight jacket -
confined,
restricted,
unable to care for myself,
a danger to myself.

I cannot make decisions,
am unable to complete activities,
finding difficulty in sustaining a normal routine,
unable to honour commitments.

I am bound by the  actions of others,
restricted by their expectations,
constrained by self-loathing and guilt.

Old. Grey. Female.
The odds of meaningful re-employment are not high.
The longer people over 50 years of age are out of work,
the less chance there is of them finding employment.

But I have so much to offer ...
Creative. Articulate. A lateral thinker.

So many dreams not yet realised ...
So many plans to connect meaningfully with my community ...
Talents buried ...

To what am I giving birth?
What new opportunities will be realised?
What shape will they be?
How do I recognise what is life-giving and what is destructive?

Who is midwife during this process?
Who will shine a light?
Whom do I trust?

Am I losing my self -
the shape of my being?
Am I trying to escape
the burden and stigma of unemployment?
Am I retreating -
withdrawing, cocooning my fragile self?
Am I beginning to emerge -
to re-engage with the world?

This doll has lots of beads -
for prayer?
for meditation?
to feel good?
to revive the drooping spirit?
as a talisman?
for play?
as a sign of courage?

Second-hand bits and pieces.
Pieces frayed. Pieces knotted and twisted.
Is there hope
amidst the shattered and torn fragments?
Can something beautiful be revealed?

I can't go on.
I can't think clearly.
I can't make decisions.
Deconstruction and reconstruction
has left me ragged and frayed at the edges,
naked and vulnerable.

Deconstructing pieces of fabric,
and reconstructing it into a new whole,
over and over,
is a metaphor for life.

Always we can begin again.

I recently became unexpectedly unemployed.
Removed from a job I loved and excelled at.
Plunged into a tight employment market.

I knew I needed to create
to try and make sense of this experience;
to negotiate the flood of raw emotion;
to sort out the important from the trivial; and
to transform it into an opportunity.

But I avoided making anything -
a moment of self- sabotage:(

However,
I need to heal
and I need to hear what my body and mind are saying
and I need to transform.

So I have begun a limited series.
To remove much of the decision-making,
which can cause creative block and stall the entire process,
I found random pieces of fabric,
cut them into strips
and roughly sorted them into colour groups.
I found a small piece of mattress cover which I decided to use for body and limbs.
I found a pattern by Pamela Hastings for a head.

I will post them as I make them.
But their story is yet to unfold.